Wednesday, July 15, 2009

rock bottom

this is possibly the worst day of my entire life.
i honestly had the biggest slip up known to man today. kraft dinner, perogies, i don't even know what else. i just kept eating and eating. i fucking can't stand myself
my boyfriend went on a huge drinking binge tonight, more than likely made a fool of himself in front of his friends, and is, as we speak, at the hospital for confessing his suppressed "craziness" and all of the hallucinogenic drugs he's taken throughout his teen years to his mother on the phone. he is now 20. he has been admitted to the hospital.
as soon as he told me i thought of when my parents admitted me to the hospital for cutting. i "couldnt make it through the night unsupervised", apparently. i was then admitted to maryvale, a kind of live-in councelling place. i was supposed to stay for 2 weeks, ended up staying for about a month. i told nobody where i was, nobody heard from me, and when i resumed school i was so far behind i could barely breathe.
and now i think of my love, the only person i have left in my life (literally, he is the only person on my redial, and my redial holds 7 numbers) , and the rediculous amount of pain he must be in right now. if his experience is anything like mine was, i wish i was there to hold him and say "you aren't crazy. i love you."
if he isn't out by tomorrow i am going to visit him, and that is that. i've made him a hemp bracelet, i made him one when we first met, but it got lost when his mom emptied his room. so i thought it would comfort him. i'm also bringing him my blanket that i sleep with every night. i hope it will bring him some sense of ease. fucked up shit. i resent his family for this. i can't see this being brad's "choice". his mom is a nurse. she is also somewhat "crazy". aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i am going to do some sit ups. its so fucking late. why does sleep evade me?


  1. Heyy.. I just stumbled on your blog. & I was reading your posts, I read your first one about your boyfriend & food & arguements.. I just wanted to say that it was nice to hear that out of someone elses mouth because I feel the exact same way. Now I feel less crazy!
    Best of luck with the ABC's & your blog. Hope your bf is ok

  2. Hey, I got committed recently due to general craziness, if you need support/have questions or your bf does, just shoot me a comment, OK? i know the system pretty well...