the great salt lake

i have returned
dead and damp and silent
waiting and watching

rock bottom

this is possibly the worst day of my entire life.
i honestly had the biggest slip up known to man today. kraft dinner, perogies, i don't even know what else. i just kept eating and eating. i fucking can't stand myself
my boyfriend went on a huge drinking binge tonight, more than likely made a fool of himself in front of his friends, and is, as we speak, at the hospital for confessing his suppressed "craziness" and all of the hallucinogenic drugs he's taken throughout his teen years to his mother on the phone. he is now 20. he has been admitted to the hospital.
as soon as he told me i thought of when my parents admitted me to the hospital for cutting. i "couldnt make it through the night unsupervised", apparently. i was then admitted to maryvale, a kind of live-in councelling place. i was supposed to stay for 2 weeks, ended up staying for about a month. i told nobody where i was, nobody heard from me, and when i resumed school i was so far behind i could barely breathe.
and now i think of my love, the only person i have left in my life (literally, he is the only person on my redial, and my redial holds 7 numbers) , and the rediculous amount of pain he must be in right now. if his experience is anything like mine was, i wish i was there to hold him and say "you aren't crazy. i love you."
if he isn't out by tomorrow i am going to visit him, and that is that. i've made him a hemp bracelet, i made him one when we first met, but it got lost when his mom emptied his room. so i thought it would comfort him. i'm also bringing him my blanket that i sleep with every night. i hope it will bring him some sense of ease. fucked up shit. i resent his family for this. i can't see this being brad's "choice". his mom is a nurse. she is also somewhat "crazy". aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i am going to do some sit ups. its so fucking late. why does sleep evade me?

the ABCs

Thanks to the ingenious of other like minded people, i've decided to follow the Ana Boot Camp (ABC) in hopes of regulating my eating again. i find that its much easier to follow a plan somebody else has come up with, instead of one you've concocted yourself. i always feel like since i made it, i can break the rules or something. it's much easier to slip up if you feel like nobody is watching.
anyways i'm off to read. currently reading Hunger Point. so far, so good. interesting to have somebody's outside experience with anorexia instead of a memoir or first person account..

first post, whatever it is

first post. does anybody even read these?
i have a man. and for whatever the reason is, i live through him. i simply seem to be unable to exist without this person in my life. 1 year, 29 days together. and things have never changed, really. my hunger is so easily persuaded by this boy, the desire to not need, to not feel. i feel for every morcel of food that does not pass my lips, he might love me more. every time we fight, it feels as though the cause was simply eating. fights over food, honestly you'd be suprised how often it is the culprit. food does not nourish you. it simply destroys your willpower and causes you to be unhappy.